her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
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