my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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