Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.