I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
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When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
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Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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