She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
