is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
