I just made out with a guy for $7.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Randomize
