What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
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her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
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Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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