if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
