Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
