i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
