I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
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My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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