She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
this just has baby written all over it
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
