I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
