honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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