One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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