i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
