I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
