let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
