I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Don't make out with my wife yet
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Randomize
