So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
