I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
