Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
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