This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
