2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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