I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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