9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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