so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
