Plan B is the new Plan A
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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