I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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