i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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