I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
