this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
