I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
