I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Randomize
