I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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