I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
