I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
