i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
