Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize