Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
