So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Randomize
