I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
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Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
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I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
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