Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
