My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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