The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
