so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
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