i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
