The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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