whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
