We need to rekindle our bromance
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
