I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
