he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"