Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
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She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.