I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
