in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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